So after nine months and no pregnancy of course I was starting to have doubts about EVER getting pregnant. Intellectually I knew I couldn't compare myself to my friends and that this is something that has to happen on its own time. I also knew I had to stop worrying or stressing about it, but easier said than done and anyway I had been calm, serene even about it all for the first five months and that hadn't helped either. I couldn't just not think about it, I just couldn't, it was all I could think about. Even as I was getting so concerned I knew this was really nothing yet. That seven or eight months of trying was really nothing and that so many struggle SOOO much longer and so many are struggling with much bigger issues too, at least Kris and I have our health and our family is well. And those people are even staying so positive and even funny. It made me feel guilty to be complaining or feeling any sort of depression about it but it was becoming all too emotional for me.
This is the hard part for me to say. I really don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings and I absolutely know they weren't meaning to hurt mine. I have thought a lot about how detailed I should be especially with these past couple months which have been the hardest, but for some maybe it will help them understand why I struggled with what to say or how to act.
In November another friend announced her pregnancy and I was so excited for her but wanted more than ever to be pregnant too. The comment of being pregnant together was made and while that was a thought I had it was a funny comment too. I would have been happy to be pregnant with anyone, anytime and of course if I could just make it happen like that I would have. Still what else could I say, what else could my friend say, we both said it would be fun to be pregnant together, it would be. For some reason her announcement made me feel more pressure for this to happen now. She was pregnant with her second, she wasn't the only friend who was and I just wanted one. Another announcement for another friend, a surprise of twins even, happy news, I couldn't even believe it, how amazing, twins. I looked forward to meeting them and being in their lives too.
The holidays were coming. I was a bit concerned about what pressure that might bring. It was really more pressure I would bring to myself in wanting to give the family the grandchild they had been waiting for; I knew that would be so exciting and such good news to share. I wanted to share it. Thanksgiving came and went. Then we got the news. Kris' Brother and sister-in-law were expecting. Some comments has been made at dinner on thanksgiving so I had some suspicion this could be, but I just didn't really think it was and as horrible as this is to say I didn't take it very well. Selfishly I just didn't want them to be. I am happy for them, this is good news and what a wonderful thing to grow our family and have a new niece or nephew, but at that moment it was just all too much. I think I just couldn't take one more person having this happy time while I was so struggling to reach it for myself. It was not my best moment. I am not proud of this, but it is the truth of where I was at emotionally.
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