Weaning and Guilt

I don't know really when it happened or how exactly, it wasn't really a conscious decision, but at some point we went full bottle.  Of course Conrad was using a bottle during the day at daycare and it just became easier to feed him by bottle at night too because Kris could help out and do some of that lap time while I was able to get to other things now and again.  It has been very hard for me to feel like I can't get to things I want to get to.  I am used to being able to get it all done and having Conrad either napping or feeding in my arms or being up and playing with him has limited that as well as the fact that I was going to bed at 8 so that I could get more sleep and wake up with him, that has been able to be pushed back to 9 now, but I am still going to bed early as his sleeping isn't dependable and I never know what I am going to get from night to night and I have been so busy at work I need the rest, but that is starting to get better now so soon I might even be able to stay up until 10 :)  Anyway he went full bottle and hasn't feed any other way for some time now.  On top of the freedom to have my arms free with him eating less often it became easier to pump and have both side empty at the same time and to see and know how much he was getting with each feeding.  So his has been full bottle.
At some point since then I started to wean away from pumping too.  Again it wasn't really a conscious decision and I had thought I would at least make it to six months of breast milk so I feel a little guilty about this all happening now at four and half months.  I think it was timing and life.  With all of the holidays and being off we were running around and I wasn't in a good routine to maintain my pumping schedule.  With work being busy I found myself going longer and longer between pumping times and missing times.  Then with wanting more sleep (I know I talk about sleep a lot) I pushed the night pumping more and more not wanting to get up.  So when I really realized I just wasn't keeping up and my supply was diminishing I decided I had to just go with it.  I feel guilty because it seems like I am giving in and for selfish reasons of the hassle and time it takes.  But I am trying to let that go and know that life doesn't always just follow your plan and I gave my baby the best and most important time for breast feeding and that sanity might be more important now than the milk itself.
So I have been tapering off and had thought this would really take at least a month to slowly back off more and more and once again with life it has happened much faster and I find myself almost already down to once a day.  A friend suggested I just feed him at night so he is still getting some, and maybe I will at least still pump once a day at night so that he has some milk, but now I am not even sure if he will go to my breast since it has been so long, I almost feel like I already don't know how to do this with him.  It makes me sad to feel like I am missing that wonderful time I had bonding with him but when I rock him at night and we read and he has his bottle I try to soak in this moment in time when he will lay in my lap tired and fighting to stay awake, but willing to cuddle with me and let me kiss him over and over.  I know it will be gone sooner than I want and he will be pulling away from my over bearing kisses to run off and play soon.
So he is on formula.  This isn't quite the end of the world I thought it might be, yes his diapers have a noticeably different scent to them, but he is doing well on the formula and we have even given him a handful of different brands (not really by necessity, but finding the right fit for us) and all have gone down well.  He eats cereal pretty well when he is hungry enough but not just starved; so it won't be long and he will be eating baby food.  I hope to make some of our own and we got a food grinder so we can even take what we are having for dinner and grind that for him, but as with everything else life may throw us some curve balls and maybe he will just have to eat from the jars your pay a fortune for at the grocery store :)

Schools back in session for winter term and the MU quad is full with them coming and going getting back into the swing of class time and study.  I am back to the rhythm of pay cycles and budget calculating and contracts and Conrad seems to love daycare.  I think we are going to be okay.