Crying to Sleep and Feeling Silly

I cried last night out of pure frustration and feelings of guilt and incompetence.  Conrad wont sleep.  Well not for very long.  He was waking up every hour and needing his pacifier and some soothing to go back to sleep.  He has been doing this where he wakes and just needs a brief love to fall right back to sleep again, but for how long?  I have read all of the information about babies needing to learn how to fall asleep on their own and how to soothe themselves, letting them cry, giving them a toy or chew thing, I have tried all of this.  Kris and I have listened to him cry for over an hour just wanting a love.  When I go in and give him that soothing I feel guilty that I am not letting him learn to go to sleep on his own.  Then I feel awful and like a terrible mom when I listen to him cry and cry and don't go to him.  So up and down we go.  The worst is then around 10 or 10:30 he wakes again and now he needs more than a quick run and the pacifier.  He scream cries like he is scared.  Could he be having nightmares, is he afraid when he wakes up alone?  I try rocking him.  He cries.  He shouldn't need a bottle he just had 6 ounces at about 7 when he went down he should be able to make it at least 4 hours, longer really.  But the bottle calms him down.  I rock him and he quickly falls back to sleep, but as soon as I put him in the crib; as gently as I possibly can; his eyes open wide and he begins crying, he wants to be held.  I could hold him and sleep in the chair, but then I am not getting good sleep (or Kris who was up with me wondering what to do too) and not only am I not getting good sleep but he is learning to sleep being held and not being in his own bed, that isn't good right?  I mean I don't want the habit that he can't sleep without us, so I know what the advice is, put him down even before he is fully asleep so he learns to drift off on his own, but again as soon as he is moved to the bed, wide eyed and pissed.

This has been happening for the past several nights.  When we do get him back down he is up again a few hours later and it is again the up and down with the pacifier where he lasts maybe an hour followed by another session of not getting back to bed at about 3 am.  Kris usually gets this session and ends up falling asleep in the chair holding him. I have that guilt of the bad habit in my head so I can't sleep and have to go in there and tell Kris to put him in bed, then he wakes up.  We are in this cycle or torture and all of us are tired.  I was so frustrated last night when it was already the third time we were up with him at 10 and he was throwing a fit.  What is wrong, what do we do, why is this happening?  I am trying to do everything right and wanting him to learn now so he can sleep better later, but it is one step forward (he slept until 3am recently and then was fed and back to bed) three steps back, up every hour.

I cried because I was already so frustrated, and I am mad at Conrad.  He is 5 months old, he doesn't mean to do this, he is tired too I know he wants to be asleep, why am I mad at him?  I am mad at Kris because he is more able to sleep through his cries, he doesn't hear him like I do (its a mom thing) and I know he can't do anything to help anyway if he was up, but I am jealous, I want to be asleep too.  I feel like I am a bad mom, I can't win rocking him, leaving him to cry, anything.  I resorted to giving him Tylenol thinking maybe he was hurting, now I am drugging him to get him to sleep.  I am an awful mom, right?  I don't think I really am, I think this is the struggle of a first time mom who doesn't know what is going on with her poor baby, and wants to do things right, but what is that?  What is right?  It is easy for a book to say let them cry - they will go to sleep, moms know how tough it is to listen to them cry, impossible, and when it goes on and on.  I'm all for not rushing in there at the first whimper, but when it is screams...

I had some Ora gel too and I took a little drop of that and rubbed it on his gums, thinking maybe, we haven't really felt anything, but he has been very droolsome and is only happy during the day with something in his mouth to chew or suck, so I tried it.  I felt a sharp point in the front, a tooth.  He is probably in pain.

So at 11 after the bottle, the rocking and waking, the frustration and emotions all over of what to do, giving him the Ora gel I tired to rock him in my arms and get him to sleep again.  He just kept starting up again with the crying, at a loss I put him down and said I have to just walk away and leave him.  He stopped.  He stopped crying and he did fall asleep, he had tired himself out and just needed to be left alone.  Wow, maybe it was just the pain.  Why didn't I know it was the pain?  So I cried.  We slept until about 3, Kris soothed him and gave him a bit of bottle again and back to bed until 5:30 when he woke up and laid there babbling to himself like nothing had happened.

I knew we would lose sleep.  I knew it would be tough - and I don't do well without sleep so I knew I would struggle, but I guess I thought at this point it would be easier.  I guess I thought I would be better at knowing what to do and sticking with it to get him on track.  I feel like every night we are winging it and I am not sure we are doing the best thing for Conrad.  But I don't know what else to do.  Books aren't always right, every baby and every situation is different so maybe I am doing all that I can right now.  I love him and when he wakes up sweetly babbling all of the night fades away and I kiss him sweetly until we do it again tonight.

Then I think if this is the worst of my troubles I will be okay.  I feel silly sitting here thinking about this because I know it will get better (right?) and I am actually lucky to be having this experience and confusion, some people don't have this chance in their lives.  I just finished reading the latest blog entry by an old friend of mine that I really have lost touch with but still follow in this cyber world.  At 29 she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and is fighting for a few more good years and doing it all with a smile and positive outlook while I am screaming about a few hours of sleep and a baby who cries at night.  It puts it into perspective, I have to keep that in mind, but it is still this moment in my life that I am struggling with and the real truth is having a baby is the most difficult, confusing, emotional and draining, wonderful experience and I am so lucky to be here.  Check out my friends story on her blog Toom-ah What Stinkin' Toom-ah and support her in her efforts to get on the Ellen show to share her story by recommending her as a guest on the show.

Conrad will sleep through the night eventually right?